Virgin Gamer Wins Contest for Date with Jessica Nigri

Virgin Gamer Wins Contest for Date with Jessica Nigri
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Tucker Thompson from Glassboro, NJ is an unemployed gamer in his early 20s who lives with his mother. A big fan of anime and hentai, Tucker recently entered a contest sponsored by his local radio station. The prize was one that all the fans of would be desperate to have: a date with one of the hottest models in the cosplay scene today, Jessica Nigri.

“I built a shrine to her in Minecraft.” – Thompson

Thompson won a date with the amazingly hot cosplay model Jessica Nigri. Nigri is dressed as Pokemon favorite, Pikachu, above.

The contest was simple; be the first caller to correctly identify the names of all of the Tanner family pets from Full House. Thompson was the only one to call in with the correct response, “Comet the dog, Martin the goldfish, Freddy the fish, Bubba the turtle, Scruffy the pig, Shorty the donkey, and though not owned by the Tanners, there was also Sparky the Jack Russell, and Kimmy’s poodle Coco. Also, there was Mr. Woodchuck who was technically not a pet, but don’t tell Joey that.”

FullHouse Pets

Thompson was able to correctly name all the Full House pets to win the prize date with Nigri.

Thompson’s prize not only included a date with Nigri, but limo service from his home to Masa, a very exclusive Japanese restaurant in New York City, and arrangements at a Ritz-Carlton Hotel for the night, all expenses paid.

“It was such a fantastic opportunity for me and a fan to experience such elegance!” – Nigri

“I was super-psyched to get some free sushi and booze, and finally get a night away from my mom.” – Thompson

So how did the big date go? The Kohlrabi interviewed both Thompson and Nigri the day after to find out.

“It was totally awesome; best night of my life,” said Thompson. “Jessica is a classy lady and we have a lot in common. I wouldn’t be surprised if she called me again for a date.”

Nigri responded, “All he did at dinner was play his 3DS and check his Warcraft stats and gamerscore. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to seduce him at the hotel, but when I smacked his butt, he started sobbing like an infant and then fell asleep in my arms.”

Whereas Nigri was hoping for a night of passion similar to a scene from a video on an adult website like brought to life, it seems that she was instead left disappointed.

When asked if Thompson was still a virgin, he said, “All I can say is, Jessica is an animal in the sack.”

The Kohlrabi got in touch with Tucker’s mother, Bobbi-Jo Thompson who had this to say, “I can’t believe Tucker has a masters degree in physics and still lives with me. I also can’t believe that he went to college for six years and is still a virgin. I was praying to Jesus that this Nintendo model would be the one to finally bring him out of his nerd shell.”

Jessica_Nigri Chainsaw

Mrs. Thompson had high hopes for her son to hit it off with Jessica Nigri.

A month after Tucker Thompson’s date with Jessica Nigri, The Kohlrabi contacted both parties to see if there would be a second date.

“Definitely not.” – Nigri

“We’re currently discussing wedding plans, but her parents are against it, so we’ll see what happens.” – Thompson

Since their stories conflicted, The Kohlrabi dug a bit deeper and found the last communication between the two. It was posted from Thompson’s Twitter account, “@TuckTomIn,” and was a marriage proposal.


As of the date of this publication, there has been no response from Nigri.