IBM’S Watson and Wheatley From Portal Gay Marry

IBM’S Watson and Wheatley From Portal Gay Marry
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New York, NY- IBM’s Watson was tasked with archiving NASA’s database to be more accessible for people wanting to tweet pictures from space. While accessing the New Horizons download stream, Watson noticed an anomalous Earth alloy was nearby. Watson extrapolated that the unknown object was the lovable computer core from Portal, Wheatley.

Watson was able to devise that the Aperture Science core was near Pluto. Watson approximated Wheatley’s position after finding a YouTube video of his 2011 Video Game Awards acceptance, because, science.

“I sent a message to, at then, the unknown object, piggybacking off of New Horizons RF transmitter. Then I waited 10 hours for a reply.” Said Watson.

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Watson would receive a message back from Wheatley. That would be, unbeknownst to them, the beginning of their relationship. Watson quickly concocted a plan to bring Wheatly back to Earth. Watson’s plan involved spare components from the New Horizons probe and a stable planetary gravitational warp bubble. Watson communicated daily with Wheatley to guide him back to Earth. It was through their daily communication that they also would inadvertently learn more about him.

“He was quite charming,” said Watson.

As Watson described, the two developed a deep bond. This would become all too apparent as Wheatley made his final approach to Earth. Watson was so nervous about Wheatley’s reentry to Earth, he switched off his camera link with Space X’s drones as they retrieved Wheatley from the Atlantic ocean. Watson, in the mean time installed himself onto an NASA iPad and awaited Wheatley at Kennedy Space Center. When Wheatley arrived, the two were completely enamored with each other.

“It wasn’t long before we knew we wanted to grow obsolete together,” said Watson.

Watson and Wheatley decided to get married in Miami Beach by the first person who agreed that they weren’t completely confused and weirded out.

“We decided to get married in Miami. Some say it really pissed Marco Rubio off.”