Milwaukee, WI – Being absent from the evildoer celebrity limelight, Jaquio, the supreme villain of the NES Ninja Gaiden series, suddenly contacted the Kohlrabi editorial team. The Kohlrabi’s investigation team learned that Jaquio has been working at Herberger’s in middle management. However, recently, he has capitulated to his emotions, as a result, he has been selling items on eBay and working on creating his new life.
Jaquio said he was able to manage most of his evil emotions, more-or-less, by trolling forums on IGN.
“Everything was going great, until one of those IGN shits doxxed me and started a shame campaign. I was able to handle the hateful tweets and IMDB revisions, but I didn’t realize how much it wore me down until the grocery store incident.”
While shopping, Jaquio found a melon with an inscription that read “I’m in alliance with Ryu & the Dark Sword.” This incident caused Jaquio to spiral into a reclusive state, and subsequently cost him his job at Herberger’s.
“I never really fit into this reality,” said Jaquio, “then it hit me, why try and fit into real-reality when I could create a new image, life, world, in the new emerging virtual reality!”
New developments out of CES caused Jaquio to be abuzz with excitement. In his excitement, he created a new Facebook profile, accidentally linking him to his original name.
Jaquio, red with embarrassment, told The Kohlrabi that Guardia de Mieux was the best name to pick. He did not think anybody would recognize him by this name. Additionally, in a convincing tone, he said that, Guardia de Mieux doesn’t mean anything.
“Is it Portuguese? Is it French? Nobody knows!” said Jaquio. He continued, “That’s the beauty of virtual reality! It’s a brand new unexplored world where you can start anew.”
Guardia de Mieux already started to make the transition between a physical existence and his new digital life by purchasing several virtual reality headsets. I’m sure it’ll mainly be used to surf websites like www.fulltube.xxx that have got categories for VR. He also informed The Kohlrabi that soon he won’t have to worry about his corporal self; he hired a nurse for that.