The Kohlrabi Makes Predictions For 2015

The Kohlrabi Makes Predictions For 2015
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What will 2015 hold, the editors of The Kohlrabi, we don’t f*cking know, but we’ve received a few messages to try so here goes…
[in no particular order]


1. Microsoft Finds Confidence to Releases the Xbox 1.1.

Microsoft, high off of the regained confidence of gamers, decided they want to go forward with their original plan for the Xbox One. They make all games downloadable and the system must check the Internet every 24 hours for the Xbox One Point One to function. Microsoft sends out an email titled “What will happen if Iraq demands that PSN be brought down? What then…? What then?”. Microsoft wins over finicky gamers by calling into question Sony’s honor.


2. Nintendo Will Announce a New surprise Console Called Nintendo Ultimate Entertainment

They call it NUE Nintendo. Nintendo admits had no idea what it was trying to do with “second screen” technology and will leave it to Apple. Nintendo returns to it’s ‘ultimate’ roots and realizes what everyone really wanted, a modern version of a SNES/NES console.


3. Candy Crush Saga Creator King Releases a Physical Game Called ‘Candy Crush Candies’

Inside the game box is a hammer. Candy and cement floor is sold separately.


4.Games Will no Longer Require a Patch on Day One.

Programmers decide that they no longer will use shortcuts and won’t let investors influence decisions when producing a great gaming experiencing. 2015 is the rebound year for gaming as Ubisoft posts record profits from their 2015 game lineup.


 

kohlrabi_goodbye_2014

5. Gamers Decide That Renting Games is Unnecessary.

Sure a very select few saved money; most just wasted time on forgetting the game had finally arrived in the mail. Gamers finally cancel their rental subscriptions.


 

6. The Video Game Industry Crashes.

Yup, it happens! You know how comes to the rescue? Mario, DUH! Nintendo makes us buy into their special N.Internet. We love it; Skynet is born.


 

7. Groundhogs Dig Under the Xbox Live Servers and the Playstation Network Servers.

Subsequently the Groundhogs destroy both networks ironically on Groundhog Day. Microsoft and Sony received a warning of the tragedy from a group of concerned lizards. Several blame both companies for lack of preparation.


 

8. After adding a story line to Minecraft, Telltale Games Releases the Gritty War Adventure DLC Called ‘Minesweeper’

Minesweeper ‘Steve’ must find the Mines before the infantry line advances.


 

9. Gamers Realize That They Like Playing Nintendo Games.

Twitter will release a study based on video game mentions and snark. This study finds that gamers complain the least about Nintendo games.

 

 


 

10. Activision and Raven Software Software Release Star Trek Elite Force: Time Relapse

It’s a slight reimagining of the original game. The new story line is where the crew of Voyager is aware they made it back to earth, but forced to relive the experience all over again. They fall in a time fissure or something, fun ensues. It will be released on the 15th-year anniversary of Star Trek Elite Force.