Seattle, Washington – Gamers have been fed up with the US political landscape. This is more than apparent with the segmenting of gamer groups, ‘PC Master Race’, ‘COD Bros’, ‘Sony Ponies’, ‘Xbots’, ‘Filthy Casuals’, and so on. However, one segment of the gamer population was successful in their campaign to become a political party: Nintendo.
The Nintendo political party started as a grassroots effort by Nintenfans. Once Nintendo HQ saw the potential usefulness of political clout, however, they asked the Regginator to take over and carry the banner.
“When Satoru Iwata approached me, I was like, ‘Are you trill?!'” Said Regginator. He continued, “I was giddy with excitement!”
The Regginator, creator of Pizza Hut’s Big Foot Pizza, wasted no time with his new mission: Net Neutrality.
“Oh yes, I’m very excited about Net Neutrality, I’d like to neutralize the net as soon as possible!” proclaimed the jovial Regginator.
Reg explained to The Kohlrabi that net neutrality has been a priority for Nintendo for several years. Initially, they tried to circumvent players’ use of the open net with friend codes and the Nintendo Wi-Fi connection. Nintendo was eventually forced to “get with the times” and slowly integrate the open internet into their systems. Nintendo begrudgingly tolerated the Internet in doing so.
“Now that we have a political platform, we will create pressure to take the internet back to the 1990’s, with 56K standard as the maximum download speed,” said the Regginator. He continued “It’s Nintendo’s belief that the masses have forgotten how to play nicely together locally. With these proposed regulations, we project families and friends will return to playing couch co-op games en mass.”
The Kohlrabi asked if the Nintendo political platform had any means of gaining momentum. Reggie was more than happy to reply quickly. With a stare that seemed to pierce our soul, he stated “We can count on the die-hard Nintendo fan, anti-vaxxer, and senior citizen vote.”