Pachter Predicts ‘Pocalypse

Pachter Predicts ‘Pocalypse
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Wilton, CT – The video game industry has released its findings on Michael Pachter’s success rate for all of his predictions. Aggregated by Gallup, they found out that Pachter is correct a whopping 3.14159% of the time. The Kohlrabi reached out to a couple of what might be considered high-profile members of the industry who couldn’t be happier with his percentages.

“We are quite pleased with the Nostradamus-like predictive power Mr. Pachter has brought to our company.” – Wedbush Securities

“You would be bonkers not to completely believe what Mr. Pachter’s true predictions were for the future of the video game industry.” – Polygon representative

Michael Pachter, video game industry soothsayer, has decided that the time has come for the video game industry to end. “Video game journalists lately have been so bold as to declare the fan base dead. Not wanting to seem foolish, I turned to my magic eight ball to see if they were right. The eight ball replied with, ‘You may rely on it.’”newspaper-generator-1

Mr. Pachter, with newly-found confidence, set out to write “No Respawn.” It was an editorial outlining the graceful end to the video game industry as we currently know it. In the article Pachter said, “Cell phones are set to be more powerful than current supercomputers in two years.” With that capability, current generation graphics will be easily exceeded. “These cornea displays will feed directly into your cornea via Bluetooth.” Pachter added that the Music industry has nearly completed its death spiral as well. “Modern day artists now hack The Cloud to automatically install their shitty music stylings onto your mobile devices.” Users have been increasingly left confused and anguished.

In a surprising twist, Michael felt it was necessary to explain that fast food workers are no longer necessary either in his essay. Mr. Pachter explained that due to investor pressures, fast food chains will release the Vending Cashier. The customer inputs the order into the machine and the machine completes the order perfectly every time. He attributes the coming of this technology to the low cost of supercomputing and robotics.

To complete the circle of death predictions, he added the double-whammy of ultra smart TVs. “Ultra Smart TVs will do what smart TVs didn’t accomplish; mass consumer appeal.” With new capabilities, new cell phone integration, the enormous processing power of the television, and all around smart device monitoring, your Ultra Smart TV becomes the entertainment hub of your home, sans extra devices or peripherals.

Pachter did offer a silver lining to the ending of the current video gaming industry. He said video games will continue to exist after this transition has occurred. The games will be similar to social and mobile modern games. Mr. Pachter said, “Think Wii 2, but for cell phones and TV sets. Don’t think of that Wii-U thing. What were they smoking when they came up with that? I mean c’mon nobody at Nintendo pitched Super Wii?”