Washington, D.C. – In a crushing blow to pundits spanning from the field of psychology to the YouTube comments section, a new study conducted by the DeCry Institute of Social Sciences has de facto proven that angry, white misogynists also exist in non-gaming circles. Last Thursday, the research group responsible for the study flew to an emergency summit of the nation’s leaders to go over their findings in detail. “To be perfectly clear,” stated one visibly shaken researcher, “everything we have come to establish as truth has been destroyed.”
The researcher openly wept shortly after.
News of the study has been particularly damaging to “gamer endorsed” brands Doritos and Mountain Dew, who have had to completely retool their marketing efforts. “Well, it looks like we’ll have to go after those ‘dude bros’ that the kids are all talking about these days,” groused one unnamed executive, “who’s on TV again?”
New target demographic.
The findings definitively prove that negative behavioral traits such as misogyny, coupled with anger management issues and personal hygiene can and do exist outside of gaming circles. The study group spans various socioeconomic classes, with 60% of them displaying poor personal hygiene and/or anger management, and 20% maintaining sexist viewpoints (though researchers noticed that this group knew how to use Reddit best). “I just assumed boobies were there for me to enjoy,” stated one resident of a nearby affluent neighborhood. When asked what his favorite video game was, the resident emphatically stated that “video games are for losers.” Out of the entire study group, roughly 50% of them played video games at all.
“I’m concerned that I’m actually going to have to get to know a person before I pass judgment on them,” cries one concerned resident,”I’m not comfortable being unable to assume that the fat guy at Taco Time isn’t a rabid World of Warcraft player” (or even a member for an online site like LoL-Smurfs.com!). As part of TheKohlrabi’s investigation, this reporter went to two local video game stores and observed their customer base over the course of 4 hours. The findings suggested that out of 300 individuals, only 20 of them had noticeable body odor, 250 of them had a significant other with them in the store, and their financial backgrounds were varied. “I thought for sure that the guy who bought a boxed copy of Earthbound for $200 would smell like old nachos,” proclaimed an unpaid intern. The buyer was observed with a significant other and wearing a new Polo shirt.
No longer the definitive identifier of perpetual loneliness.
So with 50% of the population playing video games (and even buying accounts on sites like LeagueSmurfs!) with no other definitive shared traits, we at TheKohlrabi have reached the conclusion that angry, smelly people are everywhere, and they’re not necessarily gamers. We’ll have more on this story as it develops.