Odd reports have been trickling into The Kohlrabi, and the stories are similar, yet the experience each person describes has varied. They all originate while playing Nintendo’s Mario Maker and this had our reporters wondering if the use of LSD was on the rise. That was, until an anonymous source pointed toward a highly classified test of new virtual reality technologies in the gaming industry.
In Mario Maker, players can create anything from reliving childhood memories to create sadistic levels to torture randos with. But a select few gamers have come forward to TheKohlrabi to describe completely out of this world experiences, swearing they fully left our realm of reality all together.
When the first report came in, we weren’t quite sure what to believe. The gamer started their story off normal enough. Suddenly they described the controller much larger in their hands. The TV had grown substantial in size, the gamer described it as “looming” in it’s girth. The player quickly realized, some crazy shit was going on. The gamer recounted, “old toys from my childhood were sprawled about the floor around me, and the controller was the blocky, rectangular type of the first Nintendo, even wired to the console! When I looked behind me, there my parents patterned fabric 80’s style couch. What caused me to fully realize that I had to be in the past, was the sound of my mum in another part of the house calling for me to come to dinner and turn the darn Nintendo thingie off. I instinctively replied ‘JUST ONE MORE LEVEL, JEZE!’ and kept focused on my game.”
Another report shortly came to us with a similar, yet different experience. This gamer was playing through levels so difficult they couldn’t actually progress to the end. The gamer described their scenario as ultimately “raging”.The player kept dying, falling, getting hit. The more they died, the more they kept trying harder, and the more they just kept raging. Before I knew it, everything around me turned red. I felt physically different. The Mario on the screen was even pumped up and angry, like a Mario on steroids. He would sometimes break the fourth wall and rage at me! Telling me just how awful I was doing, ‘Hey ah you, stupid! Get me ah through this level! WAAHOOOO DUMB-AHSS!’ I wanted to punch his little face.”
One more player came to us with another wild tale, completing this Mario Maker trilogy. This gamer was making their way through sky-high levels, jumping between clouds, using the super awesome raccoon tail to jump and fly. The gamer confided, “I was so focused, then I started to feel as if I was moving and the air. My chair suddenly seemed extremely uncomfortable and I wasn’t able to recline like usual in my lazy boy. This seat was nowhere near the comfort of that sort. There was just no room around me, and I realized there were people on either side! Shoving their arms onto my armrest, elbowing mine off. There was a smell of prepackaged and reheated food wafting through the air. Somehow I was up in the air in a plane, yet still playing Mario on a screen embedded in the seat in front of me!”
So what happened to these people? An anonymous Super Mario Maker engineer met us in a shadowy parking garage to say: “Imagine gaming in an entirely new way. Forget virtual reality as douchey marketers are trying to describe it. What if you were sent to a different plane of existence altogether? Would you let Mario perish, time and time again? What if you were completely immersed the emotion of a game? What new possibilities lay ahead if we can create games where people are literally placed in new worlds?”
While it doesn’t seem this technology is in the near future, perhaps these reality bending tales are a sneak preview of gaming to come. So long as we don’t get stuck on any interdimensional planes, or airplanes for that matter, this could be interesting.