I recently finished playing Telltale’s Game of Thrones game, and I amply satisfied with the number of characters I loved that ended up dead. In fact, the crew over at Tell Tale Games really encapsulated the essence of Game of Thrones and killed almost every single decent human being in the game.
No good deed goes unpunished in this game. Do you want to honorably defend your family? Prepare to get shivved to death by Ramsay Snow. You decided to defend you sister’s honor when she’s brought to court? Hope you don’t mind Daenerys chopping your balls off and giving it to her dragons as catnip. Oh, and don’t even think about telling the butcher boy you like his new shirt and think it’s trendy unless you want to have your eleven-year-old brother decapitated and put up on Joffrey’s wall of severed heads.
In fact, the Telltale have unquestionably advanced the game of thrones formula. Originally in Game of Thrones TV show everyone you love would die, you subsequently would curse out George R.R. Martin on Twitter, and go on with your day. Now everyone you love dies, and also it is your fault, you despicable piece of shit!
Telltale has always created groundbreaking new games that make you dread every decision you have ever made in the game. This spring they realize their newest game: You’re God Awful at Making Decisions and Now You Will Pay! The game promises to take you to a whole new fucked-up level of self-hatred.
I luckily got early access to Episode One of the game, and I am here to give you a full review. The game begins with a Telltale employee kicking down your bedroom door and dragging in your tied-up mom and dad. He will press two 9mm handguns to each of your respective temples and demand you pick one to live and one to die, but no matter who you pick and how many tears you shed he will blast both your birth givers’ head into millions of pieces.
A week later, when in your deepest void of depression, you will look up a walkthrough on GameFAQs and discover that you could’ve saved them by choosing the silence dialogue option. You could’ve saved your parents, the two people that love immeasurably and unconditionally more than you ever deserved to be loved. Good job asshole.
I have the season pass and have never been happier that Telltale takes and eternity of the season to deliver the full game players have paid for. I’m sure to absolutely hate myself for the next year and a half, and for that “You’re God Awful at Making Decisions and Now You Will Pay!” gets a 9.7/10