Tonight on The Juice, I’ll be interviewing Mr. Luigi Mario, more commonly known for his role of “Player 2” in all Super Mario sidescrollers. I have high hopes for this interview because I’ve always admired him for his character as well as his upbeat demeanor compared to his older brother. Additionally, this interview is happening because I’m frankly surprised I haven’t been fired from my job.
Rochelle: Welcome to The Juice, a show where I interview various video game characters and video game enthusiasts. Tonight’s guest is Mr. Luigi, one of Nintendo’s more popular and loveable heroes! Welcome to the show, Mr. Luigi…Mario….Luigi Mario is it?
Luigi: AH-YES-A. A-THANK-A-YOU FOR-A HAVING ME
[Uncomfortable silence, then Rochelle and Luigi’s eyes lock] R: Do you really talk like that?
L: AH-YES! I LOVE-A SPAGHETTI AND RAVIOLI
[More uncomfortable silence] L: Ok no, I don’t talk like that. [he shifts around to get a pack of Newports from his back pocket.] Am I allowed to smoke in here?
R: Uh, no we don’t typically smoke in the–
L: [Lights a cigarette and inhales deeply]. Great, thanks.
R: Wow ok, so you’re a smoker?
L: Only when I drink.
[Luigi takes a swig from a flask that seemingly came out of fucking nowhere. At this point in the most uncomfortable sequence of events noted in all of human history, I shuffle through my note cards hoping to turn this impending disaster around. There was still time.] R: Ok um, so Mr. Luigi, you are the younger brother of–
L: Mario. No shit. Next question.
R: –and uh, lately you’ve been kinda doing your own thing out there? What do you do when you’re not out there making video games with your brother?
L: Here’s the thing about Mario. [ashes cigarette on a coaster] The dude is famous. Every single game that slightly involves him, BAM, his friggin’ name is plastered all over the title. Golf. Tennis. Go-Karting. Parties. Everything. Our last name is even his first name. But he has zero talent! And Type 2 diabetes.
R: That’s an interesting….commentary on your older brother.
L: How much did they pay you to talk to me? Are you a spy? Did Mario hire you or something?
R: What? No, I’m–listen, I’m genuinely interested in interviewing you and hearing what you have to say.
L: That’s rich. Nobody’s ever interested in interviewing me. I’m suspicious as to why Nintendo suddenly would send me to do stuff out in public–after Luigi’s Mansion, they said I should go into hiding until it was safe again.
R: Luigi’s Mansion was a great game! I really liked the story and the gamepla–
L: Yeah yeah yeah, save the compliments for someone who cares. I seriously doubt that you enjoyed that game.
R: Well, sure I did! There was the ghosts and the…you used a vacuum!
L: Haha, yeah I sure did use that friggin’ vacuum didn’t I? Yeah, I guess you’re right. That was a good game.
R: Absolutely! I’m glad you’re coming around.
L: But you wanna know what’s bullshit? Every game I “star” in involves me always trying to find my brother’s dumbass. “Mario Is Missing?” I mean, shit, the ONE FREAKIN GAME WHERE I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER FOR ONCE, MY MAIN ROLE IS FINDING MY BROTHER, MARIO, WHO IS MISSING. Same with Luigi’s Mansion. Great plot, Nintendo, what’s next–”Amber Alert 2: Luigi’s Career Is In Shambles?”
R: Well, Amber Alerts are only for missing children.
[Awkward laughter is exchanged followed by silent sobbing by Luigi] R: Luigi, are you okay? I hope I didn’t say something to upset you.
L: No, it’s just (sniff) it’s just that I’m so much taller than him and more handsome, and I can jump super high because I’m not morbidly obese. I should have been the one taking the lead on every video game. Why am I always overshadowed by my large, overbearing older brother? (sniff sniff) Oh well. Do you have any snacks?
R: Um, no but I’ll keep that in mind for the next guest. -Ahem- So there have been talks that you and Princess Daisy are romantically involved?
L: No. I never said that.
R: Well that’s weird, I always just assumed….
L: No. She has that weird third eye thing on the back of her head.
R: She what now?
R: Well, it looks like we’re running out of time.
L: It’s only been 10 minutes.
R: Yeah, well do you have anything to say to the kids? Like, any parting words of inspiration?
[More uncomfortable silence and shifting] L: Second best is better than being…no best?
R: Excuse me?
L: Wait-wait-wait–lemme start over. I meant to say: It’s okay to be second. Because you still might be relevant. Maybe.
L: No no, like, ok this is what I want to say to the kids: If you’re not first, you’re last.
R: That is totally from a movie. Like, verbatim.
L: Kids–I am super depressed.
R: Ok I’ll go with it.