[Rochelle was exiting The Kohlrabi offices. Rochelle is seen fumbling with the myriad of office keys in a sad attempt to close up the office after a socially acceptable day’s work. She makes her way to the parking lot, her head buried in her phone, scrolling through any emails or texts from Sega confirming a possible interview with METAL SONIC. Her dreams were high but her hopes were low.
As she approaches her car, she is startled by a moderately overweight man wearing coveralls and mumbling incoherently. His facial hair is ragged compared to his strangely distinct mustache.]
(Slow motion special effect of office keys dropping dramatically on the pavement. Rochelle blinks twice with her mouth aghast in slow motion also.)
ROCHELLE: Holy shit. (The hairy man stumbles half-drunkenly towards her as she slowly backs away. She lifts her fingers to point)
OBESE STRANGER: “Yes, yes I’m MARIO. “SUPER MARIO”
(He coughs violently, scaring some birds in the distance)
–Do you have any change?
ROCHELLE: You’re Super Mario. Like, THE Super Mario.
MARIO: Holy shit, YES. I am. And I need some money to buy a cheeseburger. (his eyes narrow) You uh, need your windows washed?
ROCHELLE: Um, no. What are you actually doing right now though? How did you even get here?
M: I was going to a job interview.
R: HERE?! At The Kohlrabi Studios?
M: No, it was at the mall. And I am 6 hours late.
(Mario slumps his shoulders as he plainly sits on the hood of someone’s Ford Focus. There is audible creaking of bending plastic.)
R: Can I like, I don’t know–interview you right now?
M: Nah, I’m busy, I got to be somewhere in a couple of minutes. (he points his finger in an arbitrary direction. The car alarm goes off).
R: Ok well then can I ask you a couple questions revolving around your personal life?
M: I said NO lady.
// Rochelle’s eyes wander off in the distance to a dimly lit McDonald’s, its iconic golden arches providing some beacon of hope in a awkwardly helpless situation. The car alarm stops suddenly.
R: Mr. Super Mario, if you let me interview you right now I will buy you like, 20 fucking McDoubles at that McDonald’s over there. Just please. Please let me interview you.
M: 20 McDoubles? Who do you think I am, Robotnik?
(he winces at his own joke, especially since we all know it’s Dr. Eggman, DUH!)
Throw in a Happy Meal and I’ll talk.
R: Yes! Done. Okay! Okay? Yes!
M:My first and last name are Mario.
R: Oh…okay, yeah I–
(She fumbles for her phone in her back pocket and presses the “record” function in her camera)
NOW, I’m interviewing you.
M: (sighs) OK STARTING OVER, my first and last name are Mario. It’s not weird and completely normal.
R: What about your job? Do you have any interesting projects coming up that we might be looking forward to?
M: Yes as a matter-of-fact I do.
(He searches his back pocket for something revealing a crumpled piece of notebook paper, two paper clips and a worn photo of John Leguizamo)
I wrote it down. It’s called “SUPER DEE-DUPER MARIO CARS” See, I invite everyone I am forced to know at Nintendo, and we just pick cars and race.
R: Is that…not what Mario Kart is?
M: (Thinking) Well, except in this version there’s more levels. For example: there’s a rainbow level. In space.
R: (Transitioning quickly) What about your professional life, I mean aren’t you a doctor–
M: DO NOT fucking talk to me about that right now that is a very sensitive subject.
R: (Stopping the recording) I-I’m sorry?
M: I’m getting lawsuits out the ass. They took away my internet diploma, telling me shit like “You aren’t even a real doctor,” and “You are seriously a danger to society, please stop your practice immediately.”
R: Well, aren’t you good at other things? Sports?
M: Lady, look at me, I haven’t been physically fit since Mario Party 7. That guy in the Mario Olympics is actually my stunt double. Who is 90 pounds lighter than me.
M: AND. And I’m not allowed on the castle grounds anymore because I keep doing handstands on the trees. It’s pissing off the groundskeeper.
R: Well, what about Princess Toadstool–
M: Who Peach? We stopped seeing each other years ago. She fell in love with that dickhead, Bowser.
(he clenches his fist) Yeah, Stockholm Syndrome my ass.
R: (Shifting uncomfortably) You are in a very dark place right now and I need you to come back to me.
M: What other questions do you have for me?
R: I don’t know, how did you end up jobless? I mean you’re THE icon of Nintendo. Not trying to sound rude but, talk about a fall from grace huh?
M: Well after my “medical malpractice” lawsuits, that only gave Nintendo an excuse to dig deeper and they find out I’ve been my own doctor for years and I’m no longer allowed to fight professionally anymore. I mean, Super Smash Brothers was my favorite excuse to just beat the shit out of that ass rat, Pikachu. Next thing you know, I’m out on the streets washing windows for cheeseburgers.
R: And your plumbing license?
M: Lady, the only thing I know about toilets is… HOW TO USE THEM, ha! (he leans; farts.)
R: (Recalls interview with Wario and shudders) You’re actually depressing me.
M: Well, I can always just launch a random assortment of pills at your face, will that make you feel better?
R: Yeah. Probably.
M: It’s probably time to head to McDonald’s, yeah?
R: Well, I wanted to ask you a few more questions if that’s ok, I mean, you’re pretty famous–
M: Did somebody say McDonald’s?
[End of Interview]