[The Kohlrabi staff was unsuccessful in receiving a reply from Nintendo corporate after several weeks of unreturned phone calls, postcard campaigns, and hilarious Snapchats. Then, the extremely intelligent Rochelle Perry proposed that The Kohlrabi tell Nintendo that we wanted to interview someone from the company, rather than just send them random phone messages, postcards, and ill-advised Snapchats. The Kohlrabi decided to make use of Rochelle Perry, the idea magician and gave her this brand new interview series called The Juice.]
With my first assignment, I decided to continue the work The Kohlrabi team had started. They were on a perusal of an interview with someone from Nintendo. I was basically starting anew, but I thought I should still take up what they were trying to accomplish. I first started by contacting Nintendo of America via phone, who immediately hung up on me once I let them know that I was from The Kohlrabi. Puzzled, I then wrote Nintendo a letter clarifying who I was at The Kohlrabi and any prior communication attempts was from a previous employee whom I replaced. [This is a lie] Nintendo, rightly weary of me and the publication I represented, reluctantly granted an interview. Nintendo insisted the interviewee was to be their choice, which of course, seemed to be a reasonable request. They chose Link, which at the time was odd. Now, I have a new respect for Nintendo’s logic never to allow Link to speak on the Legend of Zelda series.
Rochelle: Thank you for taking the time to come in and interview with us, Link.
LONK: OK IT’S ACTUALLY “LONK” NAMED AFTER MY GRANDMOTHER. WHO IS DEAD.
R: I uh…sorry to hear that. -Ahem- So LONK is it?
L: I JUST SAID THAT!
R: LONK, my apologies. So let’s get started–
L: DO YOU HAVE HOTDOGS? I HAVEN’T EATEN SINCE THE WATER TEMPLE. I SMELL SOMETHING.
R: Excuse me…hotdogs?
L: YES, THEY’RE KINDA MY THING. I MEAN HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO HYRULE?
L: MILK, POTIONS AND GRASS. THAT’S THE ONLY THING TO EAT.
R: Let’s move on, please? So you’re the “Hero of Time”, as Hyrule calls you. Tell me how you feel about that, Lonk.
L: THEY ACTUALLY CALL ME THE HERO OF RHYME [Lonk attempts rapping] “CUZ MY BEATZ SPIT FIRE LIKE DODONGOS I’M INSANE/ AND I BE SWIMMIN AND CHILLIN ALL UP IN Z’s DOMAIN/ MY MASTER SWORD IS HEAVY, BIG, POWERFUL AND LONG/ AND I AIN’T TALKIN’ BOUT MY WEAPON BITCH I’M TALKIN BOUT MY DONG.”
R: What was that all about?
L: JUST DOING WHAT I DO BEST: BEING TALENTED. DON’T ENVY.
R: Fair enough. Now how are things with you and Zelda?
L: [Shifts uncomfortably] I DON’T LIKE TALKING ABOUT THAT BITCH. THE LAST TIME WE HAD SEX, SHE TURNED INTO THAT SHEIK CHARACTER IN MID CLIMAX AND I JUST FUCKING WENT SOFT. LIKE A WETZEL’S PRETZEL.
L: SERIOUSLY THOUGH ARE THERE HOTDOGS HERE?
L: THEN WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT WATER? WATER IS FOR NERDS AND HORSES.
R: This interview is going absolutely nowhere. You’re screaming and being weird about everything. How are you even popular?
L: BITCHES LOVE ME FOR MY RHYMES AND HOTDOGS.
R: [Puzzled blank stare coupled with silence]
L: YOU KNOW EVERYONE IS MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT SKYWARD SWORD, BUT I STILL THINK SKYRIM IS LIKE, WAAAAAY BETTER. THAT GAME IS THE MESSIAH. IT IS THE TIM TEBOW OF VIDEO GAMES.
R: [Attempting to salvage the interview] You seem to carry many items and weapons with you at all times, but it never seems like you get overburdened with them. Where are you hiding all those items?
L: I HAVE TWO EXPANDABLE NUT SACKS THAT NINTENDO LIKES TO CALL “ADULT WALLET”.
R: That is very graphic and horrifying.
L: DON’T ASK DON’T TELL YOU KNOW.
R: How does that even apply to this situation?
L: LISTEN, I KINDA WAS HOPING THERE WAS SOMETHING TO EAT HERE. I JUST SPENT SEVEN HOURS IN THE WATER TEMPLE WAITING FOR MY OWL RIDE, K.G. AND HE BAILED. I’M IRRITABLE AND MY FEELINGS ARE HURT.
R: Er, ok, so you mentioned in an earlier interview that you have a horse named Epona. Can you–
L: EPONA IS ACTUALLY HER SLAVE NAME. I RENAMED HER “BASKETBALL” AFTER THAT ONE VIDEO GAME.
R: Alright, clearly this is going nowhere. Thank you for your time Link, I mean Lonk, we’ll call you if we have any more questions.
L: ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THERE ARE NO HOTDOGS HERE?
R: Get out.