[For the Lulz, we forced Rochelle to listen to her Kohlrabi voicemail for the first time in a couple of months. After she had sifted through endless messages regarding unpaid bills, worried parents and confusing threats from previous guest, LONK SMOTH, Rochelle came across the one gem in her inbox that was actually worth hearing. Nintendo had initiated this time, and it was all too good to be true. ]
Good evening and welcome back to The Juice! I know it’s been a while, but tonight is an absolute treat folks. Tonight’s guest is Mr. Wario, another favorite coming to us from Nintendo–and listen to this: he volunteered himself for this interview! I didn’t even have to call anyone or anything. Zero work was involved. I thought they would cancel this show after the last guy, but THEY DIDN’T SO I STILL HAVE A JOB.
Rochelle: Mr. Wario, thank you so much for coming. I must admit; I didn’t see you as the type to volunteer yourself considering you’re traditionally portrayed as a greedy, self-centered man.
[Wario, an absurdly obese man, shifts uncomfortably in his seat and starts to sweat. He smiles weakly.]
Wario: Yes, that is all true.
R: Ok… I really HAVE GOT TO STOP ASSUMING that all of you speak in this ridiculously borderline racist “Italian” accent that Nintendo seems to love. What’s up with that? Also you don’t smoke do you?
W: Unless you meant–smoking hot then, yes.
[Wario lifts his arms to reveal yellow, moist armpit stains on his moth-eaten yellow shirt. He flexes.]
R: No, that’s not what I meant.
W: As for the accent, that’s all an act. I’m actually from Arizona.
W: Yeah. Scottsdale.
R: That doesn’t make any sense, how–your past– and you–
W: I can show you my sexy birth certificate. [He twists his nipples]
R: — And that doesn’t explain anything. Like, where the hell is the Mushroom Kingdom?
W: Dallas. [eyes dart around cameras] Hey does anyone want to see how many push-ups I can do?
R: That won’t… be necessary.
W: I can do at least one-thousand.
R: That’s physically impossible, but then again, apparently you’re from fucking Arizona.
[Wario lets out a high-pitched squeal fart.]
[Rochelle shuffles note cards around.]
W: Aren’t you going to ask me any other cool questions? Like how many women I’ve slept with or… how many gold coins I have in my bank account? I can do a fart that sounds like someone asking a question… wanna hear?
R: No! [Continues to shuffle cards around looking for better questions.]
W: One time, I took a huge shit on Mario’s go-kart. Right on the back tire where it wasn’t obvious but you could tell. [Chuckles] You could tell, and you could definitely smell it.
R: Uh huh.
W: Like, I’m pretty sure the front row seats evacuated for that reason. The reason being, I took a loaded dump on Mario’s go-kart. He didn’t know until the green-light went, and he left literal shit skid marks all over the track. It was hilarious. I laughed and laughed for days.
R: Are you ser–
W: Nobody else thought it was hilarious, but I sure did! Anyways, what was your next question?
[Rochelle sighs, coupled with massive eye roll.]
R: What’s your favorite video game?
[Wario’s eyes widen as he stands up on his chair and commences flexing his non-existent muscles. Slabs of fat droop depressingly from his shoulders as he begins dancing.]
W: WARIO WORLD! WARIO WORLD! WARIO WORLD IS THE BEST AND MOST FANTASTIC GAME IN ALL OF THE WORLD!
R: Cool, have you ever played it?
R: My last question–I’m actually really afraid to ask for several legitimate reasons but, (sigh) who is your role model in life?
W: That’s easy, my brother Waluigi. He’s super kind and brilliant if you meet him–nothing like what the games portray him as…which is very unfortunate considering he’s actually really thoughtful and overall a great guy to be around. I’m really happy to have him in my life. He’s my inspiration and pretty much the reason I do what I do every day.
[Rochelle drops note cards in astonishment]
R: Wow, that was …actually pretty nice of you to say. Wow.
W: ALSO HITLER–
R: OKAY OKAY OKAY WE’RE DONE
[Rochelle walks out the room] we’re done! Out.