Washington, D.C. – The US Capital today put in a bid to purchase internet-streaming phenomenon Twitch for $1 gazillion, topping Google’s recent offer of $1 billion. Twitch, a relative newcomer to the social media scene, allows users to stream video from their homes while participating in text chats with their audience.
A spokesperson close to the deal explained that Washington has been on the lookout for new ways to peer into unsuspecting civilians’ homes, and Twitch falls right in line with the NSA’s ideals. “We’re going to be able to reduce staff and technology costs,” claimed an NSA agent, beaming with glee. “These idiots… I mean, USERS, are going to voluntarily let us in on their chats, in their homes, where we can watch and hear everything that goes on. It’s a dream come true for the NSA!” When asked if a “gazillion” dollars was even a real amount of money, the agent replied quickly. “I have no idea,” he said casually. “We’re the government. If we run out of money, we just print more. This will all be funded by the taxpayers, anyways.”
The Kohlrabi reached out to Twitch for comments, but were unsuccessful. Frederick Blumenheim, a popular Twitch streamer, seemed agitated about the potential buyout. “So you’re telling me that my tax dollars are going towards the ability to spy on me even more, using my own webcam? That doesn’t sound like something I’m happy with. Is a gazillion dollars even a real amount of money?”
Tracey Oshikawa, another popular Twitch user, had a different view on the issue. “So, you know, like… I’ve got nothing to hide, and stuff. We should just like, stream everything. Who cares who sees it? All I do is like, play Pokemon all day, and like, chat with Edward Snowden about leaked documents on Skype all night. I got nothing to hide, man.”
This would mark the first time the government has attempted to purchase a private company since it’s failed acquisition of the Ty Beanie Baby Company in 1995. While the Kohlrabi is still looking into whether a gazillion dollars is a real amount of money, we’ll be following this story very closely.