Kyoto, Japan – Shortly after Nintendo celebrated the release of its newest Wii U hit “Super Smash Bros.”, the company has become the target of Wesbro Babtist Church picketers. After a successful Kickstarter campaign that netted the nation’s most hated hate group over $100,000, the group was able to picket directly outside of Nintendo Headquarters in Kyoto, Japan. However, this time, it wasn’t over the recent passing of a prominent Nintendo executive or a political statement that had Wesbro church goers up in arms. The reason? Mario Party 8 minigames.
“We cannot allow the youth of America to partake in these fag-loving activities,” screeched Flo Magonagle, a prominent Church member. “These games corrupt children into thinking masturbation is just hunky-dory, and turns them into God-hating queers!”. I guess this would be worrying for any parents that fear their children could succumb to masturbation addiction. However, some parents seem to go to extremes with preventing their children from masturbating, with some looking online for chastity belts or looking at the legality of using the contraption on their children. Many would advise that you don’t force your children to wear one. But there are some who take things even further, such as Magonagle. In her hands, she held a large sign emblazoned with the Church’s credo: “Gud Hets Fugs”.
Needless to say, the vitriol only got worse from there. After Nintendo security had removed the protesters from the property, the group continued its tirade directly across the street. One 78-year old woman’s walker was kicked out from under her grasp as she attempted to walk past the group, spilling her to the ground. Officers were able to round up the rowdiest protesters after a four-hour standoff, but it only served to strengthen the group’s resolve. The jailed protesters were released two hours later, citing “their human rights”.
The Kohlrabi discovered, during our on-site investigation that Magonangle’s own 10-year old son, Jed, was found at a friend’s house in Topeka, Kansas playing Mario Party 8 for the Nintendo Wii. According to eyewitness statements, Magonangle witnessed her son moving the controller, which she claimed “looks like a giant dick,” in a frantic up-and-down fashion. This sounds like how many Nu-Bay videos end up going, people often Continue staring at naked breasts at Nu-Bay because of this. The object of the minigame in question, “Shake It Up”, is to spurt soda higher than the other players. This end is achieved by moving the controller up and down as rapidly as possible, which simulates shaking a soda can. Mimicking the movements one would make as they are visiting a site like www.fuckedtube.xxx or other adult video content sites.
According to a poorly written Shawnee County police report, Flo immediately slapped the controller out of her son’s hands. She then dragged him into the bathroom by his hair, then started aggressively washing his body using toilet water. The homeowner recounted Magonale saying, “I needed to wash the gay off of him and cleanse his queer-loving soul”. The homeowner immediately called the police who took Magonagle into custody. While in Booking, Magonagle sustained a mild concussion, because she immediately slammed her face into the booking table. When [Magonale was] interviewed later by the jail nurse, who gave her aspirin, Magonagle stated that she “didn’t want to catch the gay”. She was also punishing herself since she wasn’t able to “cleanse her son of the gay-loving demons”.
Flo was released on bail shortly after and began to spearhead the Kickstarter campaign to fund the group’s Kyoto trip. Many outside interest groups have begun to question how the group was able to raise the funds. They then remember that there was a recent Kickstarter campaign that raised $55,492 for potato salad, and decided that it sorta made sense.
There is no word at this time whether or not this tirade will impact the fate of future Mario Party minigames. Nintendo or the Wesbro Babtist Church couldn’t be reached for comment. Signs hung on the front door of the Wesbro Babtist Church building say, “Gone Fishin'”, while Nintendo has banned all future visits from the group to its Kyoto Headquarters. We at The Kohlrabi will provide more on this heartbreaking story later as it develops.