Recently Firaxis released XCOM 2, the latest installment in the unforgiving XCOM series. If you are unaware, XCOM are the strategy games in which you must command soldiers to protect Earth from an alien invasion. The difficulty comes from the fact that apparently the soldiers hired to protect earth are a bunch of blind dogs with Parkinson’s trying to shoot at Neo from the Matrix. The game causes hair pulling levels of rage when your soldiers has his gun literally up an aliens butt yet somehow the bullet magically misses! Then everyone dies, you lose the game, and punch a hole through your monitor. Then after all that, veteran XCOM players simply shout out “that’s XCOM baby!”, before, I presume, paying a prostitute to whip them because inflicting self-pain is the only way they can feel.
The real kicker comes in that the masochistic lovers of the XCOM series are complaining that the latest installment is not challenging enough. “Luckily” Firaxis has heard the cries of its fans and is planning to release a new difficulty said to make the game literally impossible. This new difficulty titled, “Is this what you want, MOTHER FUCKERS?!”. This difficulty level will introduce new features such as; Giving the basic enemy a gun that holds the power of a Death Star, Replaces all XCOM soldiers with raccoons rampant with rabies, and a feature where your operatives can loose his/her mind or something like that -Wait there’s already a feature that your soldiers can panic and fire on his/her comrades? Fuck XCOM, I was just making a silly satire! Who hurt you XCOM? Who?
Guys I think we can agree XCOM has an addiction with punishing those who love it. I mean XCOM has turned away from friends and family and only seems to hang out with fellow addicts, like fans of Dark Souls, Ninja Gaiden, or Super Meat Boy. We demand an intervention. If you’re reading this and you care about XCOM’s mental stability please tweet Firaxis how XCOM has hurt you, and tag it #WhoHurtYouXCOM.